Loving the Child Within
As we enter the Hebrew month of Kislev, I take note of two important people in my life.
On the 4th of f Kislev (2004), my step father, Rabbi Samuel Balban, passed away. On that date, eight years later, our granddaughter, Shifra was born. Two days later, she passed away. Sam, (lovingly called 'Sampa'), and little Shifra will remain with us always. I dedicate this blog post to the blessed memories of Simcha Reuven ben Dovid and Esther and to Shifra Chava Yenta bas Hillel and Naama (may they live long & healthy lives.).
In honor of Sam's playful sense of humor and in honor of the child in Shifra whom we never got to know, I devote this post to the child within each of us.
When I was pregnant with our third son, my obstetrician offered to teach me auto-hypnosis to use as a birthing tool. I agreed. As part of the preparation, he hypnotized me. He began by asking me to picture myself in a setting which offered a sense of comfort and security. What came to mind was me, as a child, standing with my back to my childhood home looking across the street at our neighbors' homes.
I always found it odd that this scene is what came to me. Some might call my childhood tumultuous. Yet, when asked to put myself in a secure setting, I automatically went to the child within. That little girl is where I felt most secure.
Many years later, while dealing with some emotional issues, I was asked by my natural health practitioner to invite 'little me' for a conversation. I did and I found that she was very wise and was able to explain to me all the reasons I was having difficulty in the present as they related to my past. I continued to use this guided
imagery on my own until one day, this wise little girl informed me she had nothing more to tell me on the subject. She said I was an adult now. I was devastated. I had come to lean on her for advice and guidance. Apparently, she had guided me straight out of childhood into adulthood on these specific issues and it was time to let go.
Last March, when I was very ill and lying in bed miserable and afraid of dying, I realized that the emotional trigger for my lymphoma was a recent traumatic event which paralleled identical emotions from an early childhood event. It awakened many old feelings in me. They were feelings of guilt, of frustration, of feeling stupid - unable to make proper choices. While it was an awakening, I was shocked at how deeply embedded this past event was in my psyche and in the very cells of my body.
I lay there, that morning crying to Hashem (the Creator), telling Him that I don't know what I need to do to help myself. Things had just gotten out of hand and there I was with lymphoma. I wanted to let go of the guilt and I just didn't know how. I closed my eyes and tried to relax. Then I received the most awesome gift from the Creator... a guided imagery. There I was, 59 year old me facing 10 year old me. We were hugging and we couldn't let go. We both understood it was time to let go of the guilt, yet we just couldn't do it. We cried and cried for the longest time holding one another.
I finally told her she had done a great job, that everything she did to cope as a child was necessary for her survival and that now I'm an adult and I don't need those things anymore. I told her I am proud of her and now it is time to return the guilt to the Place from where it originated. After what seemed like a very long time, I finally was able to let go. I stood 'the guilt-ridden little me' in a box and draped it with beautiful white ribbons and cloth.
I wound the cloth around the box, all the while crying and telling her how perfect she is and thanking her for helping me when I needed her most. Then, I attached white balloons to the edges of the box and as I set her free I told her to return the guilt to the Place of Perfection and to please ask Hashem to help me release all the negative things I need to release in order to heal.
I gained so much from this experience. One of the most important things I learned is: instead of continuing to blame myself for not 'growing up' and for hanging on to old stuff, I learned to have pity on my inner child. I learned to honor and love her.
Now that I think about it, I see that even prior to the above experience, I have been aware of things from my childhood that no longer served me in the life I choose to lead.
At one point I burned an old passport which symbolized for me a very traumatic time in my life. Another time, I cut into small pieces, a blanket that symbolized for me the many times I used illness as a child in order to get attention from my mother.
Instead of letting go gently of the notions I had developed in younger years, I used violence. It wasn't really violence against my passport and my blanket. I believe it was violence towards myself for refusing to grow up - the aspects of 'little me' who refused to let go of the past. I thought that by destroying the symbols I could destroy a part of me. It may have helped on some level, yet I think there is a deeper and gentler way that involves understanding and respecting the inner child while letting go of unhealthy patterns rather than rejecting 'little me' violently.
We cannot be at war with any part of ourselves. Every part of us needs unconditional love and acceptance.
This most recent experience with the child within has taught me to look at children with a more sensitive heart. It has also taught me to view the child within others with sensitivity. I don't always know why people (including myself!) sometimes react the way we do. But when I can't make sense of it, I conclude with empathy, that the reaction is most probably due to some as of yet, unresolved childhood-based issue.
Are you aware of the child within you? Do you love and respect her? Can you honor and appreciate her weaknesses and fears? Can you love her enough to let go gently? As we slowly peel away things that no longer serve us, we reveal sweetness and innocence at the core - the unique person born into this world to love and be loved.
The world is becoming a much softer and loving place as more and more of us address and forgive the inner child in ourselves and in others.
Blessings for a month of Light,
MashaFaygel
P.S. If any of you have similar stories you'd like to share publicly, please comment below; If you prefer to share privately, feel free to contact me privately.