Making Friends with a Turtle
I will be away from my computer next week so I'm putting up something I like that I wrote a while ago. Enjoy!
A few days ago I was sitting on a park bench talking to the Creator. I was thinking about a new challenge I am facing, wondering how I will get the courage to do what I know I have to do. I was considering running away from my responsibility. I was thinking about how I do that a lot and asking why I still can’t manage to move forward when these types of challenges arise. I have faced this challenge many times and done very well. So why was I falling back on old fears instead of internalizing the successes with which I have already been blessed ?
As I sat there, a man walked by and picked up what appeared to be a rock and placed it gently on the grass behind the bench I was occupying. I asked him what it was. He told me it was a turtle. When the man left, I got up and checked it out for myself. It was indeed, a tiny turtle. He was all tucked into his shell. I picked him up, placed it in the palm of my hand and sat down again.
I kept my hand still and began talking to my new little friend. I told him to trust me and feel safe. I urged him gently to come out of his shell. When all else failed I decided to send him love. In my mind, I begged him to come out and not be afraid of me. Finally he peeked out with just the tip of his head. Then his feet emerged and then his full head. He winked at me. I laughed. I told him there was truly nothing to fear because I had no intention of hurting him. We sat there looking at each other. In a matter of seconds, he began moving around on my hand. We were buddies.
I put him back in the grass to prove I meant him no harm. We said our goodbyes.
Later that day, I came across a notebook I used at a workshop I attended about a month ago. On the first page was a drawing I had done of a turtle! ‘Wo! This is no coincidence!’ I told myself. I went back in my mind to the workshop and the exercise we were instructed to do. It involved choosing an animal we identify with (for better or for worse) and to give some thought to that animal and the traits with which we identify. At the time I was feeling emotionally sluggish. I was feeling heavy and having a hard time getting moving.
I thought of the turtle and felt it represented just how I felt. As I thought about it more, I realized the turtle’s quality of just hanging out inside its shell when the outside world seemed a bit too threatening pretty much matched how I can be sometimes.
I dislike being sluggish and I dislike the part of me that runs away when I feel threatened. Turtles never seem to know exactly where they are going. They move a few steps in one direction and then they stop, look around, change position and proceed in another direction…and ever so slowly! I have no patience with myself when I get like that.
So here I was with a crystal clear message from Hashem (the Creator): ‘MashaFaygel, come out of your shell. It’s not all that threatening. You can do it and I can help you if you’ll only trust me to guide you and put you safely down exactly where you need to be.’
I felt pure gratitude, a feeling almost too big to hold inside me. I made friends with a turtle that day. Hashem helped me make friends with an aspect of myself I dislike, exactly when I was sitting around being a turtle! And just to make sure I ‘got it’, He had me find that notebook with the drawing of the turtle I had made weeks before.
What did I learn? I think the greatest thing I learned is compassion for me, even or especially when I’m not being who I want to be. The compassion I felt for that little turtle was real. When I ‘got it’, I realized I had quite easily developed a soft spot for my fearful self. I now have a code word in addressing myself in situations like this…turtle. I can hear myself saying “MashaFaygel, don’t be a turtle. Trust in Hashem. He’s got you in the ‘palm of His Hand.’
So, I urge you to find the animal in you that you wish didn’t exist, give it a little love and coax it to trust Hashem. Who knows where it will take you?
Happy to share,
Shabbat Shalom -
MashaFaygel