Riding the Waves of Life
You know those days when you can’t seem to motivate yourself to do anything? Then you start hearing voices in your head saying things like, “You’re wasting your time. You have things to do… why can’t you get yourself moving? Every minute counts and you’re wasting a lot of them!”
I had a week like that last week. And the truth is, when I step back and become the observer, it is totally clear to me that this mood may have been my reality yet it did not define me. I hear Hashem (the Creator) challenging me, “I just dropped you into the deep water. Are you going to swim, float or go under?”
Rebbe Nachman of Breslev teaches that it is worthwhile to be adept at managing life’s ups and downs. These kinds of days can be a very small drop in the bucket of life’s challenges. Yet we can learn a lot about our standing in navigational skills when we observe our inner reactions at times like these.
As kids growing up on the shores of Rockaway Beach in New York, we instinctively learned to navigate the waves, the sand bars, the currents, and the undertows. For us, the beach was our life and the water – with all its ‘moods’- were our challenges. Who would have known that the real life dangers of fierce waves and strong undertows would serve as a head-start for my learning to deal with life’s ups and downs?
I was a short scrawny kid. I never learned how to swim. I was very aware of my limitations in the water, yet I developed a relationship with the Atlantic Ocean that was more friendly than threatening. As I type this I can literally feel the underside of a crazy wave jostling my head about. Those were the waves we attempted to avoid as we screamed “UNDER!” as a warning to drop under an incoming wave. We intuitively knew which waves were too fierce to ride safely back to shore.
On the other hand, there were waves that were perfect to ride. We simply placed one palm over the other, spread our arms straight in front of us, face down, stiffened our bodies and ‘took’ the wave at the perfect moment. We then glided with ease towards the shore. Exhilirating!
On the rare occasions when the ocean was docile, we simply floated around on our backs enjoying the sensation of weightlessness with the sun on our faces.
So what does all this have to do with real life? Everything!
I had so much trouble getting out of bed last week. As I lay there inactive each morning, my mind was super-busy. I was filled with self-criticism for being lazy. This led to guilt. It did not occur to me that I am in the ocean of life. Waves come and they go. We can’t put in an order for type and timing of the waves. One thing is for sure. They will come and they will go. How will I choose to fare the waves?
Self-deprecation serves no benefit at all.
It is not my voice but rather the voice of illusion, come to drag me into the deep waters and keep me down. My inclination was to fight it. And the negative voice in my head encouraged me to do just that. "Get up! get going! Be productive! Only then are you worth something!"
But this is a lie. I am a holy spark of the Divine - inactive or active, happy or sad, dirty or clean, helpful or self-involved, healthy or ill. Underneath everything is the holy spark which is infinitely and consistently valuable.
Life is not about being perfect all the time. The waves keep coming. When they do, we need to maintain a constant conversation with Hashem. If we avoid Him when we most need to connect, we’ll find ourselves struggling against the current in the waters of self-deprecation and self-imposed distance from the only ONE Who can help us.
I see I have taught myself that having difficulty getting out of bed is lazy, when it is really a 'call' to take some time off. I have taught myself that 'sad' is bad, when really, it is just part of life. Maybe as a child it was all about seeking the approval of others. Today, those voices come from within. Instead of fearing judgement, I have come to judge myself.
The tell-tale sign that I am being hard on myself internally is when I find myself being super critical of the people around me.
This is a sign that it's time to stop and think about the self-criticism going on inside of me. I know I am not different. I know that you may be aware of the same in your own life. We are all human and each of us is doing the best we can in life.
A wave cannot keep from rushing to the shore. Even breakers can’t stop a wave. They can only tame it.
Regular people cannot maintain constant happiness, productivity and grace. That’s the nature of things. It’s o.k. All we can do is say aloud (and hopefully feel it too!) ‘Today I love and accept myself exactly as I am. Father in Heaven, please help me.’
MashaFaygel