Emunah Eyes
It's been an exciting week filled with happy family occasions. It all leaves me with little time or focus for writing a blog. Not all days are so filled with excitement. I sifted through some old blogs and decided to republish Emunah Eyes which I wrote a number of years ago. Here it is...
6:00 AM
It’s morning already? I want to sleep more. My day looks empty. Thoughts of yesterday leave me feeling that it was a day without importance. It was a dead day. So why get up today? Tomorrow I have something important to do .… for others. It’s all planned. Why are those activities so sporadic? A little something to make me feel life is worth living. Who am I kidding? I have no purpose, no direction. That’s the sad truth. So here I lie. And maybe here I’ll stay. Maybe if I shower I’ll feel better. Maybe I’ll get up anyway and just do my morning routine. I don’t know. How will I get through this day feeling like this? I have regretful thoughts about a phone conversation I had last night. Maybe I misunderstood the other person. Maybe I exposed too much about myself. I just have a big mouth. I also have an oversized ego. You can’t serve the Hashem with an oversized ego. There’s no room for Him!
6:40 AM
I get up and skip the shower. I go through the motions. I almost feel my morning prayers - almost. Today that means I am not noticing the words so much, yet, I want to cry because I feel Hashem watching me. I know He’s here with me and I am so grateful for that. Yet, I am not into the prayers. I do it all. I want to hang on to some of the Chanukah magic. It’s gone. That makes me sad. I asked that the Light shine into my year. Where is it? Already gone? Please don’t let me fall.
7:40 AM
I open my holy Thank You Book. I begin listing the things from yesterday for which I am grateful. I read aloud as I write. The list is growing. Why did I think yesterday was a ‘dead day’?! Who was that in my head lying to me? And how did I fall for the lie? Yesterday was a day of Torah, a day of family, a day of friendship. Yesterday I felt connected with my husband and so many people in my life. What was I thinking? Go away Evil one! I won’t listen to you anymore. Go away. Thank You Hashem for such a beautiful yesterday. Please give me more. I close my Thank You Book and kiss it and place it gently and lovingly on the shelf.
9:50 AM
I phone my son. He sounds so happy to hear from me. He gets me all excited about tomorrow’s event. He is so excited himself. I hear his pride, happy to have me as his mother. He doesn’t say it. But mothers know. I hear it and it warms my heart. God’s blessings are so many. My children are my treasures. Thank You Hashem. Please help me be happy with my parenting. Please help me be the person You created me to be.
10:00 AM
I get myself out for my daily talk with Hashem. Things look a lot different than they looked four hours ago! Four hours ago I was pulling the blanket over my head hoping the day would just go away. Now, I’m outside. The sun is shining. I feel good. I feel Hashem’s Presence. I am aware of the fact that the conversation with my son turned things around for me. I am aware that today’s entry in my Thank You Book showed me that I had fallen prey to the Big Liar, the Evil one whose job is to drag me down. It won’t stop until it gets a person to do nothing... Simply nothing. I sent it away and Hashem had pity on me.
I begin to sing Reb Shlomo Carlebach’s פארו עלי ופארי עליו, וקרוב אלי בקראי אליו (His splendor is upon me and my splendor is upon Him, and He is near to me when I call Him). Yes, I think His splendor is upon me and hopefully mine is upon Him. I sing a while and I feel so close to Him and cared for; and I feel so good with myself.
1:30 PM
I try to do some writing. I start and stop. Start and stop. It’s not coming. So instead I say some Tehillim (Psalms) in the hopes of opening up the channel between myself and the Place above. When that doesn’t help, I do some laundry. There is always laundry to keep me feeling as though I’m doing something important. Thank God for laundry.
3:30 PM
I meet with R.S. We haven’t met in a while. The purpose of our meeting is to share our challenges and to work on moving forward with emunah (faith). I listen to her. She listens to me. We bless one another and I leave feeling full of Hashem’s blessings.
5:30 PM
I prepare dinner for my family which is greatly appreciated. It warms my heart to be appreciated. Thank You Hashem. Please help me show my appreciation to them as well.
7:00 PM
I prepare for tomorrow’s workshop. It’s been a while since I‘ve had one for which to prepare. I realize how much it is all a part of me. I miss my partner Nechama Gittel who passed away five years ago. Her picture is on the outside of my notebook. It is a most joyful picture of the two of us in front of the fountain in Gan Sophia in Uman. I remember how we worked so intensely way back then. I look back at my old notes. I see how much Hashem has taught me. I see how much experience He has given me. I feel blessed. I feel so good I think I’ll just open a blank document and start writing this week’s blog with full emunah that Hashem will write it for me. A few hours ago, I had no idea what I would write for this week’s blog. And here, at 8:34 PM it has written itself.
I would love to enter each day with Emunah Eyes. Sometimes it just doesn’t work that way. Sometimes, we just can’t open those Emunah Eyes. Today, as the day moved on, Hashem opened my Emunah Eyes. Never believe the lies. If I had listened to the lies, I’d still be in bed fretting about how I haven’t done a thing with my life today.
Thank You Hashem for filling my day with lessons, with joy, with gratitude, with love, with meaningful activity. Thank You Hashem for Emunah Eyes. Please keep them open.
Blessings,
MashaFaygel