Bend and Stretch, Reach for the Stars
He is twenty-two years old. Four years ago he left his family in New York to move to Israel. He served in the Israel Defense Forces. Upon release from army service, he found work, began planning for his future and was introduced to a girl. Things clicked and they were engaged to be married.
She is nineteen years old. Five weeks before their planned wedding date, her fiance was diagnosed with an aggressive malignancy. Instead of apartment hunting, they were speaking with oncologists. Instead of dealing with details around their wedding, they found themselves dealing with details around cancer care.
She is my youngest daughter. He is my future son-in-law. Last Shabbos I sat with my siddur (prayer book) open and instead of focusing on the words, I was humming the nursery school song "Bend and Stretch" (remember Romper Room?) I asked myself, 'where did THAT come from??'
The answer came quickly and clearly. All of a sudden I was given an alternate view of our new reality. And this is it: If I put aside the sad stuff, the shock, the details, the fear and I simply look at the relationships in this crazy story, I can see people bending and stretching - bending their egos and stretching towards the other and in so doing, we are each reaching for the sky.
I'll explain. I see a young couple, bending their dreams for a spring wedding and stretching to make way for cancer treatments. I watched this young man bend his own personal need for his bride's comfort and support and stretch himself far enough to offer her to back out of her commitment. I saw our daughter bend and stretch herself and insist on taking this journey with him.
I see a young man bending his commitment to live and build a life in Israel in order to stretch himself to receive medical care in the New York facility to which he was recommended.
I watched as his mother bent her own maternal instincts and stretch herself enough to say she goes along with whatever her son decides to do.
I felt myself bend my strong belief in natural treatments for cancer enough to stretch myself to encourage my future son-in-law to make his own decisions and to feel empowered by those decisions even if they are unlike my own.
My husband and I bent our personal parental 'need' to have our baby safe and sound in our own care as we stretched ourselves to encourage her to do what she feels is right.
Let me tell you, stretching is hard. It was a big stretch to see them off at Ben Gurion Airport last night. In our last moments together, in our final hug good bye - I felt I was being stretched so very far.
What makes me want to stretch? What makes a mother 6,000 miles away from her son say - '"Do the treatments where you will feel most comfortable,' knowing that he may very well say "I'm staying here Mom."? I think it's a focus on the long term relationship rather than on oneself. In any relationship, if we bend our own needs/views/priorities and stretch ourselves despite the 'growing pains' - we will reach the stars; we can touch the sky. There's something Godly about that.
Each of us is challenged daily in small and not so small areas of our lives - especially with people close to us. It is easy to push our own upon others. Many times, it is because we see some ultimate good in pushing our own path, view, or thought process.
But in truth - b'emes - the real ultimate good is the quality of the long term relationships.
Sometimes I feel like a mother bear ready to do anything to protect her cubs. Yet, I have learned that for the sake of that loving long-term relationship, I need to bend my need to protect in order to exhibit trust in and respect for my cubs. They will grow up. The way I handle the bending and stretching now will prove itself in our relationships in the future.
I believe Hashem looks upon the bending and the stretching with pride. I believe His world becomes a better place each time one of us bends our ego and stretches beyond our comfort level in order to protect and preserve the loving relationships in His world.
I ask you, readers: Please take it upon yourselves to identify in your own lives the opportunities to bend and stretch. And each time you do, please offer a prayer for the complete recovery of Menachem Mendel ben (son of) Masha Malka.
As we bend and stretch together we stand to gain in two arenas:
1) the complete healing of this young man and
2) personal growth and enhanced relationships with those around us.
I look forward to announcing the new wedding date and already see in my mind's eye the amazing 'simcha' (joy) at their wedding celebration in Hashem's perfect timing. May it be soon.
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Let's all take part in Mendel's healing...in healing God's world. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Many Blessings,
MashaFaygel