Floating Thoughts
A little more than a year ago, I began keeping a journal. I wanted to record the physical, emotional and spiritual process of healing from cancer.
Yesterday, I felt an overwhelming desire to do some writing. I've spent a number of weeks avoiding my feelings and yesterday was the day to make the time to write. I knew it would help put things into perspective. I hoped it would bring me to a higher state of faith and connectedness with Hashem (the Creator). I prayed it would put the ping-pong thoughts going on in my head to rest.
I am sharing some excerpts with you because I believe my words may be of benefit to others. We oftentimes subject ourselves to long periods of time without dealing properly with the thoughts and feelings going on inside us. So, I open my heart and my journal to you. Maybe you'll see a bit of yourself in these words. Maybe you'll be inspired to do something for yourself:
I think somewhere deep inside, I think I'm supposed to be stressed out by this situation. That if I'm not stressed out then there's something wrong with me. That others expect me to be stressed out and will judge me unfairly if I am feeling calm. What I really need to know is that it's o.k. to feel stressed out one minute and calm the next.
There is no right or wrong way to feel. There is no check list of appropriate emotions for any given situation.
...When the emoting comes, I have a choice:
1) bury it, 2) let it run thru me, 3) grab onto it and hang on and milk it until it negatively affects my health.
So last week I was very busy pushing it down, getting on with my cooking and then a song played on the radio and I got hit with such a crazy super-powerful wave of sadness. At that moment, I could no longer bury it. So I let it fly. I sobbed and cried for maybe 10 minutes straight... and then it was gone...
....Then there's the 'dead' feeling. Like what am I doing with my life besides getting addicted to the smart phone and the computer? The lethargy and lack of life force is taking me over. I question: Is it the heat? Is it the the way I'm eating? Is it the energy in the apartment? Or - does it maybe have to do with the cancer? If someone feels dead and feels a lack of purpose - is that a cause? Or is it a symptom? Or both.
And why am I dissecting and analyzing it? All I really need to do with this feeling is toss it back to the One Who created all of this. Things will ebb and flow - always; like the waves on the shore.
.... The only thing that remains constant is that I need to be in constant contact with Hashem.
I need to let everything float in and out of my life maintaining awareness that Hashem is with me and I can talk to him any time, anywhere. Think less... take note of whatever is playing over in my mind and heart, express it, and let go. It's the ONLY way. You can't let stuff get clogged up. Playing ping pong in your head has no positive outcome.
....Why do I care? What do I want? I want to make a difference in Hashem's world. It doesn't have to be grand. It just has to be emes (truth/real).
Floating thoughts. They found a resting place in my journal, in my heart...and maybe in yours. My suggestion to you is, when you are feeling overwhelmed or plagued with thoughts that do you no good, write it down. Get off the computer. Turn off your phone. Take out an old fashioned pad of paper and pen and begin writing. I believe it will come - the peace. If you let your thoughts out of the crevices, put your feelings down, send it all back to the Source, peace will reign....until the next wave. So be sure to keep your pen and paper handy.
When I finished writing, I started looking around me and seeing how very much I impact the world around me and how very much the people in my life impact me. The gratitude that accompanied this realization brought me joy and peace. And most importantly, I began seeking ways to do more for others...in my own way...in my own style. That is what I wish for us all.
Thank you all for being part of my healing process. I hope my words inspire you on your journey through life. Thank you for subscribing to My Simple Emes and for all the encouraging comments.
Much Love,
MashaFaygel