Go-Fund-Me. Teach Me. Fill Me.
"People raise money on Go-Fund-Me to go on vacations! They raise money for hobbies and to put out music discs! Why wouldn't people give money to someone who is trying to save her life?!"
My son was trying to convince me to go along with the idea of putting up a Go-Fund-Me page to raise money for my health-costs. He was making perfect sense and I ran out of arguments.
It's not easy to ask for money. It's not easy for me to plaster my face and problems all over the internet. Not easy at all. Before I knew it, our daughter was writing up the text in Hebrew, my husband was translating it into English and our son was videoing me telling the world about my life challenges.
Little did I know what was about to unfold in the inner-most chambers of my psyche and heart. I thought the challenge was asking for money. That really stinks. We want to be the giver. It is difficult to be on the receiving end. Much deeper though, little buttons were being pressed. I noticed my reactions to little things surrounding the putting up of that Go-Fund-Me page. They were egocentric, childish - irrational.
One morning, I took some time alone and cried to Hashem (the Creator). What was going on?! Those old feelings of 'I am alone in the world', 'nobody understands me' are in the forefront again; those feelings of shock and disappointment at having my trust betrayed, feelings of not having control over my life. None of it made sense! My reactions did not match the situations. Grateful that I was at least able to identify the problem, I had a place from which to start a conversation with the One Who made me this way.
"I don't want to be like this! This is all old stuff. I worked so hard to get rid of these reactions and they're still in me. I know I can't get well and sustain that health with these childhood triggers dominating my behavior."
After sitting quietly for a while, an understanding came to me.
I had been gifted this test in order to help me understand that although I have worked hard to reduce the level of stress around childhood events, there is still more work to be done. Hashem was inviting me - lovingly - to get back to work. It was now the perfect time to move forward some more.
This lesson and numerous others were brought to me sweetly around this crazy Go-Fund-Me project. But the best lessons were still to come.
The page went up. The donations came pouring in.
Within days, we reached our half-way mark. Our heads were swimming in disbelief. How much kindness is out there! Not only were friends and family donating; huge sums were coming in from people I don't even know! My kids don't know them either! And I received touching notes and generous donations from people I grew up with - people I haven't seen or heard from in decades! People asking me if I remember them.... People who told me how much I have touched their lives.
Just seeing the growing number of individuals donating gave me faith that this in-gathering of souls around this act of kindness will certainly stand as a merit for me and my goal of reversing this condition.
The most dramatic of lessons came when an old friend of our son turned up at our house, unexpected and handed me an envelope filled with money. He did not know I had been ill until he received the link. We had been out of touch for years. We were filled with joy to see him - real joy - and I was so touched that he felt compelled to make the trip to surprise us with a visit and to personally hand me his donation. Just thinking about it now fills my heart and brings tears to my eyes.
Yes. I am filled. I am blessed.
I am bursting as day by day, I watch the names going up on the donor list. My previous negative reactions were based on false beliefs I dragged with me from my childhood. The false and baseless shock surrounding the issues in putting up the project has flipped to shock in the realization that strangers are willing to give to someone they don't even know - people of different faiths, of different cultures, of various color. I am shocked at the generosity of family and friends - not only in monetary form but in willingness to share the link with their contacts.
'MashaFaygel,' (God 'said' to me) 'You think you are unloved, misunderstood? I will show you just how much I Love you. You think the world is a dangerous place? I will teach you what a beautiful world I have created.'
To those of you who have reached out to encourage me and help monetarily and to all those who cannot afford to help monetarily and continue to pray for my complete healing, I point out to you: You are messengers of the Divine and have a part in piecing together some of this broken world - some of my broken world.
Thank you for the opportunity to be a source for kindness in Hashem's world. May all of your prayers be answered. May you see only blessing in your lives. May you feel His Hand in your life the way I am feeling His Hand in mine.
If you haven't done so already, please take a moment to check the Go-Fund-Me page and share the link with your contacts.
With gratitude - from my heart to yours,
MashaFaygel