ELUL
I was looking through some old papers and came across something I wrote 2 years ago. As we approach Rosh Hashana (the Jewish New Year). I feel inspired to share this with others.
This was originally written 6 months into my journey with lymphoma. One need not be facing a life-threatening illness in order to take stock of her thoughts, beliefs, and life style. So, I present to you a fairly unaltered version of the thoughts I recorded and shared with my close circle of friends and family in the summer of 2017:
Rosh Hashana is just a week and a half away. As this year comes to a close, I find myself with many thoughts. During the past 6 months I have naturally been pushed to think about a lot of things... I have very strong memories of lying in bed in February and March of this year feeling as though I was literally at death's door.
I asked myself from my sick-bed: 'Do I want to live? Why do I want to live? How do I want to live my life? Do I believe that G-d wants me to live?'
The Hebrew month of Elul is a time for introspection. I am taking a look at this month at the end of quite an interesting and challenging year. The Chassidic masters taught that during the month of Elul 'the KING is in the field'.
Because of this teaching, Elul is for me, one of the most comforting months of the year. It is a time when I don't have to have any credentials to approach the Palace to see the KING. He comes to me in the field and reveals Himself in my life. He is more accessible in Elul and He is offering me a ride home on His Shoulders - home, meaning, back to myself.
The field can be my life; the field can be my heart. It can mean different things for each of us. We won't know until we think about it.
I am infinitely grateful to be alive - all the more so when I re-read what I wrote during a very precarious time in my life. And re-reading the above thoughts brought me to understand that we must never stop asking ourselves these questions. It can be particularly helpful to do so during the month of Elul:
Do I want to live?
Why do I want to live?
How do I want to live my life?
Do I believe that G-d wants me to live?
The answers to these questions will help us make adjustments in our life-style. They will help us realign with the things that are right for us and separate from the things that do not serve us in life.
These questions can open an entire conversation with self and with Hashem. It is amazing how verbalizing things brings us a sense of closeness to our core and to our Creator. When truth is spoken, things just start to fall into a peaceful place. So no matter what your answers are to these questions, they are the perfect place from which to begin praying.
You know, although the KING may be in the field, sometimes it is difficult to access that sensation. Sometimes our love for Hashem as well as His Love for us may feel boundless; and other times, it is lost and hidden from us.
It is encouraging to remember that no matter what we are going through we can and must hang onto the faith that the LOVE exists on all planes, and at all times whether we feel it or not.
This is the faith that allows us to survive even the most difficult times.
May Hashem grant all of us LIFE as we proceed into the new year. May it be a life filled with meaning and consciousness, blessings for good health, happiness, faith and bounty in all good things.
Shana Tova,
MashaFaygel